Capital Lies (Their First Lady Book 3) Page 14

He realized I was being serious then. I could tell when a look crossed over his face that was a cross between panicked and heartbroken. “What does that have to do with us?”

  His voice was quiet. My chest burned and my eyes stung, and my legs felt heavy, but I went on.

  “I am not going to lose out on loving who I want and living how I want to live because of other people’s perceptions. I have so many concerns with it, and I don’t know how to deal with those yet, but what I do know is that I won’t live for other people. Life is too short, and I’ve seen what it’s like to be blissfully happy. And more than anything, I want that with both of you. I can’t give up my happiness because of your emotional limitations.”

  “Tessa.” Cal stood, but something in my expression must’ve told him not to come any closer because he didn’t. He stood with his back to the couch, his feet planted as if he had to tell himself to stay in place, and he faced me with anguish and hurt washing over him. “I just . . . I need more time. I can’t lose someone I love so much. Not again.”

  My already fractured heart splintered into infinitely tiny pieces. I was just as hurt about the situation as he was, but it didn’t matter. I knew what would make me happy and Cal wasn’t willing to give to try anymore. It was as simple and as difficult as that.

  “You didn’t lose Annabelle. You left her,” I said with a raised voice. I didn’t want this to be a fight, but if he couldn’t see that, there was nothing to talk about.

  “That’s not one hundred percent true, Tessa. It was complicated, and she wanted to be with Preston,” he said with a strained voice.

  “That’s not true and even if it was, I’m not Annabelle. I already chose you, Cal.”

  Cal narrowed his eyes. “Yes, but you still want Preston.”

  “I don’t just want Preston. I want Preston and you. I love you both. Don’t make me out to be some whore that wants a fuck buddy behind your back. This is love, Cal, and you know it. And it scares you. Your career matters, fine. But you allow this fear of people finding out later, this fear that it won’t work out because it might get hard—you let that cloud everything.” I lowered my voice. Anger wasn’t going to get me anywhere. “Preston would be fine with you being part of our relationship, but you can’t say the same about him. I don’t know why that is. He isn’t a threat to you. Just like he wasn’t a threat to you and Annabelle. You left her. You left them.”

  He glared at me. There was so much going on behind those eyes, a deep-sea of emotion. I wasn’t sure if it was because the truth of what I said was hitting him or he just didn’t want me to leave. He didn’t say anything. Not a single word. He didn’t even open his mouth to speak.

  But, unless he admitted he wanted to be in a relationship with the both of us, nothing he said mattered.

  I waited a few more seconds, just to make sure he didn’t have anything to say, or maybe it was to give myself the courage to do follow through.

  Eventually, I turned, opened the front door, and slammed it behind me.

  Chapter 18

  “I think a few more strands should hang down from here,” Asha, my stylist said.

  “Are you sure?” Trevor, her assistant asked.

  “Yes, because if you pull just a few more strands down here”—she swept her hand back and forth from the center of my forehead to my ear—“it gives the vibe of ease and effortless beauty. It says, ‘yes I’m the beautiful First Lady, but I woke up like this’.”

  We were splitting hairs and I just sat in the salon chair like a good mannequin. It was the big day. The day we’d all been waiting for. It was Cal’s inauguration. We all had to look our best, and Asha woke me up at an ungodly hour just to put tea bags under my eyes so I looked well-rested.

  My hair had been washed, combed, moisturized, and then the whole process was restarted again. And basically, the same thing happened to my body. I knew better than to question Asha. She was a force, whipping around the salon like a hurricane of beauty.

  “Yes,” Trevor said with all the seriousness in the world. He was tall and thin with pale skin and long brown hair. He wore dark eye makeup and always made me laugh with his quick one-liners, often at Asha’s expense. “I see what you mean.” He set to work pulling a few strands to frame my face.

  “Great.” Asha nodded decisively. She didn’t have her stark white hair anymore. It had changed several times since election night. Now it was a purple so pale it almost looked gray. She still wore bracelets the whole way up her arms.

  “And I don’t want you putting on your dress until the absolute last second, Tessa. I don’t care if we’re standing behind a wall of Secret Service and you’re stepping into it. That thing is too beautiful for words, but it wrinkles like that.” She snapped her fingers.

  “Or, I could get dressed back here and promise not to sit down.”

  Asha paused for a long moment as if she were seriously considering it. “That should be fine. But I don’t even want you leaning on anything.”

  “Wouldn’t dream of it,” I told her.

  It was all so silly to me. My dress, hair, and makeup mattered a lot more than any of the thoughts in my head. I was educated. I’d studied politics. And I had so many plans and ideas for the next four years, but none of that mattered. I completely understood that in order to be able to show the world my intelligence, I had to win them over with my looks first. It wasn’t right, but it was true. First, I had to look good, then I’d get their attention.

  “Okay,” Trevor said. “She’s perfect. Doing anything else would ruin her.” He sat his comb aside with a dramatic flip of his wrist and turned me toward the large mirror that spanned most of the wall.

  My hair had been pulled up and back, minus the few loose strands, in loose waves. My makeup was flawless. Asha had taken every bump, pore, and imperfection in my skin and made them vanish until I looked as smooth as porcelain. My dark eyes shined with color and depth, my lips were a pouty pink that matched the hue of my nails exactly, and my lashes were longer and thicker than they’d ever been before.

  “It’s beautiful,” I said, trying to convey enthusiasm even though I didn’t really care the way they did. Not right now.

  “Why, thank you.” Trevor took a bow.

  “Now we have to get you in your dress,” Asha said. She wasn’t happy yet because I wasn’t fully ready. And even when I was, she probably still wouldn’t be. She was a textbook perfectionist, and that was exactly why she was so good at what she did.

  Trevor pulled the deep ivory wool dress out of its hanging bag. “Ta-da,” he sang.

  The dress had long sleeves, a cowl neck, and a fitted waist. It was warm enough to be worn on its own when paired with the knee-high black leather boots Asha had picked out. They were slightly out there, though they were similar to a pair Rosalynn Carter wore in the 1977 at her husband’s inauguration.

  I liked the idea of not wearing pumps, so I was more than eager to agree to them.

  With almost all my modesty gone, when it came to Asha and Trevor, I changed right in the room with the help of them both. They acted as if it was a monumental task to get me into the dress without messing up my hair or makeup, and I suppose it was. I tucked my chin and sucked in my stomach and before I knew it, they had me securely in the dress.

  As Asha helped me into the boots, Trevor tied a red chiffon sash around my waist and cinched it in, and Cal stepped into the room.

  “Hey,” I said.

  He shook his head and grinned at me. “You look more beautiful than words can describe. Every day I think to myself you couldn’t possibly get more beautiful, but every day you do.”

  When he looked as handsome as he did with his salt and pepper hair slicked down to perfection and his impeccably tailored suit, saying such sweet things, it was hard to remember why I was going to eventually leave him. It almost made me thankful that we still had four years together.

  Almost.

  “Awwww,” Asha and Trevor sighed in unison.

  “Thank you.” My eyes
had become watery from a mixture of nerves and sadness and a hundred different things I was feeling. “Could you two give us a minute?”

  “Of course,” Trevor bowed out of the room.

  “Do not lot let her sit down,” Asha warned Cal before leaving.

  The door shut with a thud that made me jump.

  “Are you okay?” he asked in a soft voice.

  “Yes,” I nodded, but kept my gaze on my reflection in the mirror. Not because I was that concerned with how I looked, but because Cal was breaking my heart. If he knew how much I wished things were different, he could probably convince me to stay.

  Or at least spend the next four years trying.

  “Are you still upset with me?” he asked.

  It killed me to do this to him, to make him worry about me on his big day, but it had to be that way. I had to do it for me, and I love him too much to pretend otherwise. I couldn’t spend that time lying to him.

  “I’m not upset.” I kept my tone even, robotic.

  “Good.” He blew out a breath like he was relieved. He came up behind me to nuzzle my neck. Asha was going to kill him if the dress wrinkled. My will was going to crumble if he continued.

  He was clearly confused on not being upset meant. “I’m just not going to change my mind.”

  “Tessa I—”

  I stepped out of his arms and moved back a couple of paces to get some distance. “I won’t go back on my word. I will smile and do everything I’m supposed to do and make us look perfect from the outside. I promise. No one will know.”

  His jaw clenched and his eyes hardened. “None of that seems as important now if I don’t have you. You’re my wife, Tessa. Not just for show, but in here.” He pointed to his heart.

  “I know.” I kept my voice steady and my eyes clear despite the aching in my chest. “It’s real for me too. But I don’t want to go in circles with this. You aren’t willing to choose us, even if your heart wants it.”

  He hung his head and all I wanted to do was to wrap my arms around him. He wanted me, and I couldn’t be with him anymore.

  There was a knock at the door and we both wiped at our eyes and straightened up.

  “I need a minute,” he barked with all the pent-up anger I bet he wished he could take out on someone else.

  “Cal, this isn’t the time or place. We can talk about this later. You have a career you’ve chosen. You’d do well to remember that considering what today means. That needs to be your focus.”

  His demeanor didn’t change in the slightest. “I love you,” Cal whispered.

  “I know,” I whispered back.

  And I did know. His love was one of the greatest gifts I had ever received, and it wasn’t that it wasn’t enough for me. It was that there was a yearning inside both of us for something more, and I was the only one who was willing to reach out and take it. We needed this for both of us, or neither of us would end up happy.

  I looped my arm through his, plastered a smile on my face, and prepared to face the nation.

  The parade passed in a blur of cars, bands, and men and women in uniform. It was a celebration like I’d never seen before and I was more than happy to be a part of it. There were confetti and balloons and more supporters than I could imagine. Cal and I held hands through almost all of it, and Preston was never far behind.

  It went by in a blur, and before we knew it, it was time for the official swearing-in. The procession had made its way to the western front of the Capitol building. The crowd gathered facing the National Mall and supporters filled in all other nooks and crannies. When I looked out to the sea of people, I was overcome with emotion. American flags waved high and low and even young children sat on their parents' shoulders to catch a better view.

  It hit me then, how important what we were doing was. All the hard work and all the time spent planning and worrying was paying off, but it was so much more than that. These people, this crowd, they wanted Cal as their leader. Whatever my father did or did not do didn’t matter at that moment because Calvin James was the man they wanted to hold this office.

  The Chief Justice took his spot next to the clear podium and I was handed the official swearing-in bible. I wanted to trace my fingers over its gold embossed lettering and savor the history, but I couldn’t deviate from what I was supposed to do. I flattened my hand and held the book steady as Cal placed his hand over the top of it.

  I looked at him, love and pride surging through me, and wished more than anything the situation were different.

  I tuned everything and everyone else out as Cal recited the historic words.

  “I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States, and will to the best of my ability, preserve, protect, and defend the Constitution of the United States.”

  All my years of studying and watching and learning and there I was, front and center for the swearing-in of the newest President of the United States. My picture and outfit were going to be remembered forever. Other young women out there just like me would one day look back at my outfit and try to replicate it themselves. I vowed to myself to be the best role model I could be. To be strong and caring. To effect change. To be kind and accepting.

  I looked at Cal, knowing he would be a great president. Wishing he put that kind of dedication and devotion into what we had.

  In a fraction of a moment in time, everything changed. The crowd dispersed and screams rang out. I looked to Cal and there was fear etched into his face. Something was wrong. Very, very wrong. Before I could even reach out to him, I was thrown to the ground with large bodies piled on top of me.

  “Cal!” I screamed, but no one could hear me. “Cal!”

  My heart pounded in my chest and my vision blurred. I felt like I was in a spinning room before the darkness enveloped me.

  Chapter 19

  Screaming.

  Screams rang out in every direction and brought me back to reality. The bodies that were on top of me picked me up and formed a tight circle of a Secret Service shield. My feet weren’t even touching the ground as they moved in sync, taking me away.

  I couldn’t see anyone or anything, but I knew enough to understand the situation was bad.

  “What is going on?” I shouted. And again, there was no response from anyone.

  My fingers shook, my blood raced frantically, and my ears rang as if the one-shot that was fired was still reverberating through the air. Maybe it was. Maybe I was wrong, and it was several shots, not one.

  Maybe my life was over. Were they carrying my body? I didn’t feel like I was walking.

  I noticed the air changed from fresh and crisp, to old and stale. There was no natural light to be found. I blinked my surroundings into existence.

  I finally heard my name being called from what felt like far away. Then my ears registered the voices in front of me. “Mrs. James. Mrs. James, can you hear me?”

  “Where are we?” I was fairly sure I sounded drunk. That’s what it sounded like in my head.

  “This is an underground safe zone,” one of the Secret Service agents answered.

  But that was all he gave me. He said nothing else. Everyone seemed to be talking at once, and that amounted to a lot of people. There were agents and justices and senators and people I had no idea who they were. They were young and old and acclaimed and unknown and every other adjective I could think of, but they weren’t Cal and they weren’t Preston.

  I was frozen. I couldn’t keep my limbs from shaking and I couldn’t feel my toes even though they were snug inside the boots. At that moment, I had no idea if Cal or Preston were alive. I know what I heard. I tried to ask what happened to them, I willed my mouth to form the words and speak them aloud, but it wouldn’t. My lips shook as if I’d been standing out in a blizzard for an hour.

  And then I remembered the last thing I said to Cal. I reminded him he chose his career. He told me he loved me, and I didn’t even say it back. I could’ve said it because it was true. I should’ve
said it. Why didn’t I say it?

  I was in a nightmare where my mind played the worst possible scenario I could imagine. My breathing became labored as I tried to force myself to remember what just happened, while simultaneously trying not to think about it.

  I sat in my silent thoughts with my back pressed against the scratchy concrete wall until someone finally came to talk to me.

  “Mrs. James, I’m agent Penner,” he said in a monotone voice. “We’re taking you to the hospital.”

  His hair was gray and cropped short. He identified himself and I recognize his name as the head of my security team, but we hadn’t even met yet, and he was flanked by two Marines I didn’t know.

  What a way to get to know each other.

  My lips were dry and cracked as if I’d been screaming for hours, but I could hardly remember even saying a word. I licked them and attempted to speak. “What about the President and the Vice President? Cal and Preston. Are they okay?”

  “Yes,” he said in the same tone.

  All I could think about was how I wasn’t sure if he was lying. I didn’t even know this man, who he was, or anything about him. He could’ve been hiding the truth from me to keep me from getting hysterical.

  I looked to the tall, thickly muscled Marine standing to my right. I was sure he wouldn’t lie to me. I clutched onto his arm in my nearly incoherent state and he was kind enough to hold me back. “And where are they now?”

  “The Vice President is safe and unharmed. Your husband has been taken to the hospital, ma’am.”

  “Okay.” I nodded with tears in my eyes. “Thank you. Please, let’s get there.”

  The bunker led to a tunnel that led to another that led to another before we made it back above ground and to the waiting car. People were still all over the place. The same people who just moments ago were happy to be supporting their new President, but now everything was sectioned off and police and barricades lined the streets.

  I was safely tucked inside the car and behind bulletproof glass as we sped away from the Capitol. I could breathe a little easier and I didn’t know if that was because of the fresh air or because I knew I was on my way to Cal. I figured whether he was okay or not, I was going to know in a matter of minutes, and I would deal with it then.